213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed To Do at the SGC
1. I am not allowed to declare myself emperor of any inhabited planet.
2. Nor am I allowed to claim uninhabited planets.
3. I am not allowed to switch either Dr. Jackson or Lt. Col. Carter’s coffee with decaf.
4. I’m not allowed to tell Lt. Col. Carter there is no blue Jell-O…especially if there really isn’t.
5. Being exceptionally annoying does not constitute a reason to Zat someone.
6. I should not begin mission reports with “Long long ago in a galaxy far far away…”
7. I am not allowed to sing “We’re off to see the Wizard” while skipping up the ramp and through the wormhole.
8. Or on the way to the infirmary.
9. I should not refer to Dr. Fraiser as a “Napoleonic Power Monger”
10. It is not a good idea to wear one of the Goa’uld voice changers during a post mission physical.
11. Dr. Mackenzie is not evil and I should stop telling new recruits that he is.
12. I am not allowed to demand that Dr. Jackson prove that he actually speaks 23 languages.
13. I am not allowed to use intars to play laser tag with the Marines.
14. Nor am I allowed to use zats.
15. I am not allowed to juggle the artifacts.
16. Even if they do just look like rocks.
17. Humming the “Imperial Death March” whenever I see Mr. Woolsey in the hallway is not a good idea…even if SG-1 starts it.
18. I am not to refer to the gate as “My Precious”
19. I should not teach new SG team members to say offensive or rude things in Goa’uld under the guise of teaching them useful phrases.
20. I am never to mention the infamous Blue Dress within Col. Carter’s hearing.
21. I am not allowed out of my office when the President visits Cheyenne Mountain.
22. The Asgard are not a part of my chain of command.
23. Nor are the Tok’ra.
24. Replicators are not to be referred to in reports as “Evil Demon Legos,” even if that is a fairly accurate description.
25. Nor should they be referred to as the “K’nex Set from Hell”
26. I am not allowed to blame flying monkeys for any problems experienced on or off world…except on P63-0165.
27. I am not allowed to use the base PA system as my own personal stereo system.
28. No dancing in the Gate room.
29. I am not allowed to sing “Follow the Yellow Brick Road” anywhere, on base or off world.
30. Jaffa Bowling with shock grenades is not authorized PT.
31. A broadsword is not a standard issue weapon in the U.S. Military and I am not allowed to carry the aforementioned broadsword through the Gate...except to P7X-695 or P24-289.
32. I am not allowed to start a betting pool on the personal lives of SG-1, or any other base personnel…at least not without checking with Sgt. Siler and Chief Harriman first.
33. All reports must be submitted in English…even if Dr. Jackson DOES read Elvish.
34. I should not refer to Vala Maldoran as Dr. Jackson’s hot new girlfriend.
35. I am not allowed to sing “Row, row, row your boat” within the hearing of SG-1 or General O’Neill.
36. Never question Lt. Col. Carter when she says it’s a math thing.
37. I am not allowed tell returning teams “The address you have dialed is no longer in service…please disconnect and try again.”
38. Especially if they are under fire at the time.
39. I am not allowed to call Sgt. Siler “Sparky.”
40. No napping on the Briefing Room table.
41. Especially during briefings.
42. Paper Rock Scissors is not a good way to negotiate terms of a treaty off world or on.
43. I am not allowed to name any planet Bob.
44. I am not, under any circumstances, allowed to mock Teal’c’s hats, no matter how silly they may look.
45. I am not allowed to suggest bringing a young priest and an old priest on staff just in case.
46. A towel, no matter how useful, is not now nor will it ever be a part of any standard U.S. military uniform.
47. I am not the high priest of anything and should not tell visiting diplomats from off world that I am.
48. I am not allowed to start a cult off world or on.
49. Submitting my reports in the form of paper airplanes tossed from the doorway of the General’s office is always a bad idea.
50. I am not allowed to refer to General O’Neill as mom.
51. I am not allowed to challenge the R&D people to build a real lightsaber using alien technology.
52. Challenging Dr. Jackson or any of the rest of the linguistics department to play scrabble is a bad idea.
53. I am not allowed to refer to SG-11, or any other SG unit with high casualty rates as “The Red Shirts.”
54. I am not allowed to start a Trivial Pursuit tournament amongst base personnel.
55. I will not refer to Master Bra’tac as Obi Wan Kenobi.
56. When asked a question by a superior officer I will not tell them the answer is 42.
57. While on a mission with SG-1 it is not a good idea to point to Dr. Jackson and say, “E.T. phone home.”
58. Dr. Lam’s name is not schnookums.
59. Referring to Lt. Col. Mitchell and Dr. Jackson as the Doublemint Twins is not conducive to my continued good health.
60. Referring to Lt. Col. Carter as Astrophysicist Barbie is a good way to get myself zatted out of existence.
61. I should not accuse Vala of stealing my mojo.
62. I am not authorized to dial out at random just to see where it goes.
63. I am not allowed to bring two empty halves of coconuts with me on missions.
64. I won’t stare at Teal’c’s massive arms on missions…especially while under fire.
65. Poke it until it works is not a good course of action when dealing with alien technology.
66. Except when it works.
67. I am not allowed to ask anyone on base to choose “Cake or death?”
68. Nor am I allowed to ask anyone offworld.
69. I am not allowed to make my own motivational posters and display them anywhere on base without General Landry’s approval.
70. Asking Dr. Jackson to autograph my copy of “The care and handling of a civilian scientist” By Col. Jack O’Neill is not conducive to my continued good health.
71. I am not allowed to answer the red phone.
72. I am not allowed to make up a language and then challenge Dr. Jackson, or any other member of the linguistics department, to translate it.
73. It is not a good idea to sneak into Dr. Jackson’s office and rearrange his books just to see if he notices…he will and eventually he will figure out who did it and it will not end well for the party or parties responsible.
74. I shouldn’t ask Dr. Jackson, or any other member of SG-1, how many times they have died…I should ask Nurse Jameson in the infirmary. She is the keeper of the statistics and the medical betting pools.
75. I should not assume all bombs, especially those of the nuclear variety, in need of defusing will have handily color-coded wires.
76. The laws of physics are more like guidelines really.
77. I should not ask Dr. Lee about the Plant.
78. I should stop referring to Dr. Lee as Seymour.
79. I am not allowed to make puns involving Lord Yu.
80. I am not allowed to order pizza on the red phone.
81. I should not ask why General O’Neill, Lt. Col. Carter, and Dr. Jackson are banned from O’Malley’s Steakhouse in town.
82. I should not question the paternity of either Lt. Col. Mitchell or Dr. Jackson.
83. I should not refer to the Orii as the Sith in mission reports.
84. The gateroom is not a driving range.
85. I am not authorized to start an offworld nudist colony.
86. I am not allowed to question the sanity of the command staff…at least not where they can hear me.
87. I should not fake claustrophobia when the base goes on lockdown.
88. I should not refer to Teal’c or Master Bra’tac’s tattoos as hood ornaments.
89. I am not allowed to tell returning teams that they must “Answer ye these questions three ere the other side ye see”…especially if they are under fire.
90. When setting landmines or preparing to otherwise blow something or someone up it is not necessary to give the Holy Hand Grenade spiel in its entirety every time.
91. I should not refer to Dr. Jackson and Lt. Col. Carter as the Wonder Twins…at least not where they can hear me.
92. I should not dress up as a Jaffa, Goa’uld, or a member of any other alien race for Halloween.
93. I have better things to do with my time than to spend it writing the SGC Twelve Days of Christmas.
94. I am not allowed to us the base P.A. system to sing it to the entire base…in July.
95. I will not be allowed off base with any Jaffa mark drawn on my head with a black permanent marker.
96. Candy bars are not to be used as a negotiation tool…even if Dr. Jackson did it once.
97. While aboard any space vehicle I will not sit in the commander’s seat and say “Captains log…Stardate…”
98. Monopoly may not be used to negotiate land use rights on any planet.
99. I am not allowed to suggest sending in the Germans or the Japanese to negotiate peace with any alien race…even if they are excellent at doing so.
100. I may not stalk other base personnel using the security cameras.
101. Lord Voldemort is not a Goa’uld , therefore I can not declare myself his first prime.
102. Having a t-shirt made for DR. Jackson that says “I’ve ascended twice and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” in Ancient is probably not a good idea.
103. I should not refer to Dr. Lee as Dr. Longbottom.
104. If it makes me giggle for more than 30 seconds I should assume I am not allowed to do it.
105. I should not oogle any member of SG-1, at least not when anyone is looking.
106. I am not allowed to organize an on base paintball tournament without notifying General Landry.
107. I should not point out the insanity of Lt. Col. Carter, or any other member of SG-1’s plans to save the day.
108. I am not allowed to have t-shirts made with rude or obnoxious sayings in Goa’uld or ancient.
109. I am not allowed to use the Base’s computer network to play online videogames with other base personnel.
110. I am not allowed to hum or sing the theme from Shaft every time I see Lt. Col. Mitchell in the hall.
111. I am not allowed to accuse anyone from another reality, who happens to be dead in this one, of being the First Evil.
112. I am not allowed to tell any spaceship, of Earth origin or not, to “Beam me up Scottie.”
113. I do not have the authority to order anyone in the linguistics department to help me finish my crossword puzzle.
114. When asked to identify myself, offworld or on, I am not allowed to respond, “They sometimes call me…Tim?”
115. I am not allowed to ask the science department what the airspeed of an un-laden swallow is…African or European.
116. I should not end reports from missions where we narrowly escaped with “And the animator suddenly had a fatal heart attack.”
117. I am not allowed to refer to any planet as “the ass end of nowhere” in mission reports.
118. I am not allowed to ask “are we there yet?” on any hyperspace flight, no matter how long.
119. I am not allowed to click my heels together and chant “There’s no place like home,” while Lt. Col. Carter is dialing Earth.
120. I am not allowed to impersonate a pirate at any coastal town, on or
121. I cannot request a baby Goa’uld transplant. Even though it would
increase my overall heath.
122. I am not allowed to ask Lt. Col. Carter "Why?" whenever she answers a question. It does not end, and she's not very patient.
123. "It’s my last night on Earth!" is not a good excuse for being drunk the night before a mission.
124. Nor is “It was my last night on Earth!” a good excuse for being hung over or still drunk the morning of a mission.
125. A zat-light saber combination is probably not a good idea, however clever it may seem, and I should not encourage the R&D people to look into it.
126. I am not allowed to sign official government documents in sparkle pen.
127. I am not allowed impersonate any Star Trek or Star Wars character while on duty.
128. I will not be allowed through the gate wearing full Stormtrooper armor, Jedi robes, or a Darth Vader costume.
129. Never ask Dr. Lam, or any other medical personnel, what they’re planning to do with that “big long pokey doda-thingy there.”
130. I am not allowed to wear party hats on missions. Even if it is meant as a sign of good will.
131. There will be a formal reprimand if I eat all the pie before General O’Neill gets any.
132. My mother is not entitled to the number of the red phone.
133. I am not allowed to ask General O’Neill, or Lt. Col. Carter, to make or fix anything with an assortment of random items, especially a paper clip, rubber band and my gum.
134. I am not allowed to bring stray animals back from offworld to keep as pets, no matter how cute they are.
135. When General O’Neill goes offworld he is always the first one through the wormhole. It's in his contract.
136. I cannot claim I need time off to meditate, even if Teal'c does it.
137. I will not attempt to change the color of the event horizon using food coloring. Even if it would boost moral.
138. I am not allowed to decorate the Stargate for the holidays. Any of them. That means no Christmas garland, twinkly lights, fake snow etc.
139. Helping other planets celebrate the Unites States independence is not a viable excuse for sending fireworks through to other planets.
140. I am not allowed to cobble together Ancient devices from everyday objects without first consulting General O’Neill.
141. I may not photoshop glowing eyes onto photos of any SGC personnel.
142. I am not allowed to offer to pimp Thor’s ride.
143. I will not poke Teal’c.
144. Especially not in his tattoo.
145. I am not allowed to ask Teal’c if I can measure his biceps.
146. I am not authorized to fire any base personnel from life.
147. Especially not anyone with a higher rank than me.
148. I should not refer to Dr. Jackson as the once and future archaeologist.
149. I am not allowed to ask any base personnel or offworld ally if they are a good witch or a bad witch.
150. I am not allowed to refer to Teal’c’s tattoo as a Mercedes emblem.
151. I am not authorized to create my own dialing protocols.
152. I should not refer to Atlantis as the Emerald City where Dr. Jackson can hear me.
153. Lt. Col. Carter’s name is not Dorothy and I should not tell new personnel that it is.
154. Nor is it Alice.
155. Neither is Dr. Jackson’s.
156. I am not allowed to wait until my teammates fall asleep, sneak into their tents and draw the dark mark on their foreheads with either a black sharpie marker or gold puffy paint.
157. I am not allowed to bungee jump on any alien planet.
158. No yodeling on missions or on base.
159. I am not allowed to shoot the scientists, with the possible exception of Dr. Felger.
160. I am not allowed in the ventilation shafts.
161. When visiting jungle planets I am not allowed to swing from vines in the trees.
162. I should not engage in the playing of board games with any Ancient, Goa’uld, and or Asgard. Specifically “Risk.”
163. I am not allowed to drunk dial another stargate.
164. Never eat or drink anything being offered only to you when on an alien planet…you might wake up married.
165. If it’s crazy but works…it isn’t crazy.
166. I am not allowed to refuse to have a physical examination pre- or post-mission.
167. I should not remind Dr. Jackson of the time Dr. McKay beat him at scrabble.
168. I should not tell people that when Dr. Jackson dies he is “only mostly dead.”
169. I will not be allowed off world while wearing vampire fangs.
170. I may not resign from any military posting simply to make out with someone in my chain of command.
171. I am not allowed to leave a Rubix Cube in the labs and take bets on who will solve it and how long it will take.
172. I am not allowed to refer to Dr. Jackson and Lt. Col. Carter as Dr. Bunson Honeydew and Beaker, and I should not tell them which is which.
173. I should not point out that the IOA member’s salaries would be better used in the operating budget of the SGC.
174. I am not allowed to stage “SGC: The Musical” in the gateroom, or anywhere else on base.
175. Thor is not a Muppet and I should stop telling new recruits that he is.
176. I should not snicker when Bra’tac calls General Hammond, Hammond of Texas.
177. Santa Clause is not a Tok’ra.
178. I am not allowed to submit mission reports composed entirely of song lyrics.
179. I am not allowed to supply any civilization with instructions on how to build nuclear weapons.
180. I am not allowed to requisition large quantities of rubberbands to expand my rubberband ball.
181. I am not allowed to challenge the engineering department to build a better mousetrap…especially not while they are on duty.
182. I should not return from any mission drunk, hung over, or stoned without a very good reason.
183. “But everyone else was doing it,” is not, generally speaking, a sufficiently good excuse.
184. “But House is on tonight!” is not a legitimately good reason to request that a mission be postponed.
185. I am not allowed to teach less advanced civilizations how to make explosives from common materials.
186. I am not allowed to buy anyone offworld without clearance from the SGC and very serious extenuating circumstances.
187. I should not provide visiting offworld dignitaries with copies of the Harry Potter books, the Lord of the Rings books, or superhero comic books and tell them that they are historical texts.
188. Nor should I show them reruns of any TV show and tell them it is a completely accurate historical documentary.
189. The SGC is not one of the Nine Kingdoms.
190. The Nox planet is not Oz.
191. I am not allowed to tell anyone who outranks me that I am disinclined to acquiesce to their request.
192. I may not start an intergalactic dating service.
193. I should not do anything offworld that I wouldn’t want to explain to the infirmary staff.
194. I should never ask Lt. Col. Carter or Dr. Jackson a question unless I REALLY want to know the answer.
195. I am not allowed to tell any culture we are negotiating trade with that our main form of trade currency is jelly beans.
196. I am not allowed to sell photos of other planets to the tabloids.
197. I should not attempt to speak faster than Dr. Jackson.
198. I am not allowed to paint my boots red and cover them with sequins.
199. I am not allowed to speculate out loud which member of SG-1 is which character from the Wizard of Oz.
200. No dancing in the briefing room…especially not on the table.
201. I am not authorized to build a Stargate without supervision.
202. Especially not in Lt. Col. Carter’s basement.
203. I should not refer to the red phone as “The Voice of God.”
204. I am not, and will never be, allowed to attempt to shine Gen. Hammond's head, ever.
205. Any attempt to use devices created by Machello will be dealt with in a swift and decisive manner.
206. By Teal'c.
207. I will not refer to Major General Hammond as Zordon, Master Chief Harriman as Alpha 5, or Dr. Jackson as Billy the Blue Power Ranger.
208. I am not allowed to sing, hum or even think the Power Rangers theme.
209. No lightsaber duels in the SGC, real or mock.
210. Leaving a trail of M&M’s is not an appropriate way to mark a trail on any unknown planet.
211. I should not refer to any member of SG-1 as Larry, Moe, Curly, or Shemp.
212. If I do I am not allowed to refer to Teal’c as Curly.
213. I should not refer to Replicarter as Darth Sam.
_______Edit 9-11-06 Just adding a few things________________
214. I am not allowed to drunk dial the Stargate.
215. I am not allowed to choreograph explosions to pieces of classical music, especially the 1812 overture, and then hum along.
216. Nor am I allowed to use a baton to conduct the aforementioned explosions.
217. Greeting the Goa’uld, Orii, or any other violent alien race with “Hello, Beastie” is generally not a good plan. Nor is it particularly conducive to my continued good health.
218. Unless I am collecting soil samples a large jar of dirt will not be terribly useful offworld.
219. I am not allowed to paint “The End is Nigh” on either the blast doors or the floor in front of the ramp.
220. I am not allowed to tell others that I am not the me from this reality, that I am in fact the me from and alternate reality/parallel universe and that the me from this universe/reality is currently out picking up a pizza and that they should check back in a while if they need to talk to me about something.
221. I am not allowed to announce that I have come up with the solution to Entropic Cascade Failure, and that it is pizza. Nor am I allowed to claim that the solution is icecream.
222. I am not allowed to replace the red phone with a cordless phone and then hide the handset.
223. Should I be arrested for any crime while on another planet I am not allowed to claim that it was the one armed man…unless it really was.
224. I am not allowed to bring along an iPod and a Sudoku puzzle book to trade negotiations.
225. I am not allowed to hold tryouts for the SGC cheerleading squad.
_____________________Edit 9-28-06 Adding a few more_____________________
226. I am not allowed to practice my ballroom dancing in the hallways.
227. However well it might work I am not allowed to lock bickering diplomats in a bathroom until they can get along…At least not without permission.
228. I am not authorized to reassign base personnel to Siberia or Antarctica simply because they are annoying.
229. I am not allowed to ask other base personnel if “These BDUs make my butt look big” and then begin crying no matter how they answer.